Probably just uncomfortable in the family before children to prove
parental authority permanent link to public authority, requiring proper
upbringing of the child. Education of children begins with the age when
no logical proof and the presentation of public rights impossible, and
yet impossible without the authority of the teacher.
Finally, the very meaning of authority in the fact that it does not
require any evidence that it is accepted as the undoubted advantage of
the older, his power and value, visible, so to speak, a simple
children’s eye.
The father and mother in the eyes of the child should have this
authority. We often hear the question: what to do with the child, if he
does not listen? Here it is the “does not listen” is the sign that the
parents in his eyes have no credibility.
Where does parental authority, how it is organized?
Those parents whose children “do not obey”, sometimes inclined to think
that authority is given by nature that it takes a special talent. If no
talent, can’t help it, we can only envy those who have such talent.
These parents are mistaken. The authority can be arranged in every
family, and it’s not even very difficult provided for the post by
International Adoption research blogger and columnist.
Unfortunately, there are parents who organize such authority on false
grounds. They strive to ensure that their children obey, it is their
goal. But actually this is a mistake. Authority and obedience cannot be
the goal. Goal can be only one: the right education. Only for this one
purpose we should strive. Children’s obedience can be only one path to
this goal. Those parents who are the real goals of education don’t
think, achieve obedience for the obedience. If the children obedient,
parents life is calmer. This is the most calm and is their real
objective. In fact always work out that neither calm nor obedience is
not stored for a long time. Credibility, built on false grounds, only
for a very short time helps, soon everything is destroyed, there is no
authority nor obedience. It also happens that the parents achieve
obedience, but all other goals of education in pen: grow up, really
obedient, but weak people.
There are many varieties of such false authority. We consider here more
or less in detail a dozen of these varieties. I hope that after this
review it will be easier to figure out what should be the real
authority.
The authority of suppression. This is the worst kind of
authority although not the most harmful. Most such authority of fathers
suffer. If the father of the house always growling, always angry at
every trifle dismayed thunder, at every convenient and inconvenient case
grabs a stick or a belt, on each question is answered by rudeness,
every fault of the child notes a punishment, it is the authority of
suppression. Such paternal terror is terrorizing the family, not only
children but also the mother. It is harmful not only because it
intimidates the children, but also because it makes the mother zero
essence ,which can only be a servant. No need to prove how harmful such
authority. He did not educate, it only teaches children to stay away
from scary daddy, it causes infant lies, and human cowardice, and at the
same time, it educates the child cruelty. The clogged and weak-willed
children come then or slushy, the worthless people, or tyrants,
throughout his life for avenging a repressed childhood. This is the
wildest sort of authority only happens in very uncultured parents and
lately, thankfully, dying out.
The credibility of distance. There are fathers and mothers
who seriously are convinced that children obey, we need less talk to
them, be kept away, only occasionally to act as his superiors. Was
particularly fond of this kind in some of the old intelligentsia
families. Here very often the father of some separate office, from which
he occasionally displayed, as the high priest. He eats separately,
having fun separately, even the order entrusted to him the family he
passes through the mother. There is such a mother: they have their own
life, their interests, their thoughts. Children are run by grandmothers
or even the housekeeper. Needless to say that such authority does not
bring any benefit, and the family cannot reasonably be called an
organized family.
The credibility of swagger. This is a special kind of
authority range, but poilue, more harmful. Each person has their merits.
But some people believe that they are the most honored, the most
important figures, and show the importance of every step, and show to
their children. Even at home, they strut and puff up more than the work
they do is talking about their advantages, they are arrogant to other
people. It happens very often that, astonished at this view of the
father, beginning there to swagger and children. Before my friends, they
too appear as nothing but boastful word, at each step repeating: my dad
– the chief, my dad — a writer, my dad is the commander, my dad is a
celebrity. In this atmosphere of arrogance important dad can not
understand where are his children and whom he educates. Encountered such
authority and mothers: some special dress, important knowledge, a trip
to the resort – this all gives them a reason to swagger, to separate
from other people and from their own children.
The credibility of pedantry. In this case, the parents pay
more attention to children, more work but work as bureaucrats. They
believe that children need every parent to listen to the word with
trepidation that their word is sacred. His orders they give a cold tone,
and once it is given, it immediately becomes law. Such parents fear
most is the children will not think that dad made a mistake that daddy
man is not solid. If you like this Papa said, “Tomorrow it will rain,
shouldn’t walk”, then at least tomorrow and good weather, yet it is
believed that walking is impossible. Dad did not like some the motion
picture, he forbade the children to go to the movies, including good
pictures. Dad punished child, then he discovered that the child was not
so guilty as it seemed at first – the Pope will not cancel his
punishment: once I said, as it should be. Every day enough for such a
case the Pope, in every movement of the child he sees a violation of law
and order and stick to it with new laws and regulations. The life of a
child, his interests, his growth this Pope pass by unnoticed; he sees
nothing but his bureaucratic commanding position in the family.
The authority of reasoning. In this case, the parents
literally seize child’s life the endless homilies and edifying
conversations. Instead of saying the child a few words, maybe even in a
playful tone, the parent leans him against himself and starts boring and
annoying speech. Such parents believe that teaching is the main
pedagogical wisdom. In such a family is always a little joy and smiles.
Parents are struggling to be virtuous, they want to the kids to be
infallible. But they forget that children are not adults, that children
have their own life and that this life should be respected. A child
lives more emotionally, more passionately than an adult, it is least
able to engage in reasoning. Habit of thinking comes to him gradually
and slowly, and the constant ranting of the parents, their constant
sudene and talkativeness are almost completely in their minds. In the
even children can not see any authority.
The authority of love. This is the most common type of
false authority. Many parents are convinced that children are listened
to, loved, parents, and to deserve that love, you need every step of the
way to show the children his parental love. A gentle word, endless
kiss, affection, recognition showered on the children in absolutely
excessive quantities. If the child does not obey, he immediately asked:
“So you dad don’t like?” Parents jealously watching the expression of
children’s eyes and need tenderness and love. Often the mother when the
child tells friends: “He loves daddy and loves scary to me, he’s such a
gentle child…”
This family is so immersed in a sea of sentimentality and tender
feelings that already anything else does not notice. Unnoticed by the
parents are many important details of family upbringing. The child must
do for the love of the parents.
In this line many dangerous places. Here grows family selfishness.
Children, of course, do not have the strength for such love. Very soon
they notice that mom and dad everywhere you want to cheat, just need to
do it with a gentle expression. Mom and dad can even bully, you only get
cocky and show that love begins to take place. Since small years the
child begins to understand that people can be podygryvanii. And since he
cannot love as much and other people, we play along to them without any
love, with a cold and cynical calculation. Sometimes it happens that
the love of parents is saved for a long time, but all other people are
seen as foreign and alien to him no sympathy, no sense of camaraderie.
This is a very dangerous view of authority. He grows insincere and
deceitful egoists. And very often the first victims of this selfishness
become parents themselves.
The authority of kindness. This is the most stupid kind of
authority. In this case, the obedience of children is also provided
through children’s love, but she invoked more than kisses and
confidences, and pliability, softness and kindness of parents. Dad or
mom speak to the child in the image of the good angel. They are allowed,
they are not sorry, they are not stingy, they are wonderful parents.
They are afraid of any conflicts, they prefer family world, they are
ready to sacrifice anything, if only all was well. Very soon in such a
family children just beginning to command the parents, parental
resistance opens up the widest space for children’s wishes, whims,
demands. Sometimes the parents can afford some resistance, but already
late, the family had already formed a harmful experience.
The authority of friendship. Quite often even children
were not born, and between the parents already have an agreement: our
children will be our friends. In General it is a good thing. Father and
son, mother and daughter can be friends and should be friends, but the
parents are still older members of the family collective, and the
children are still students. If a friendship reaches the far limits,
raising stops or starts the opposite process: the kids start to educate
parents. Such families have sometimes seen among the intelligentsia. In
these families, the children call their parents Petka or Mary, mocking,
roughly pluck, teach at every step, neither of which obedience cannot be
and speeches. But there is no friendship, because no friendship is
impossible without mutual respect. [5 p. 189-214]
What should be true of parental authority in the family?
The main justification for parental authority only and can be the
life and work of parents, their civilians, their behavior. The family
is a large and responsible business, run by parents and a responsibility
to society, to their happiness and life before children. If the parents
are doing this business honestly, reasonably, if they are significant
and excellent goals if they always give a full account for their actions
and deeds, it means that they have parental authority, and do not need
to seek any other reason and especially not need to invent anything
artificial.
As soon as children begin to grow up, they always ask where the father
or mother, what is their social status. As early as possible they should
learn what we live, how we want, with whom stand near their parents.
His father or mother must speak to the child as a serious, respectable
business. The merits of parents in the eyes of children must first and
foremost be merit to the society, intrinsic value, and not just
appearance.
Thus it is necessary to remember always that every human activity has
its own voltage and dignity. In any case, parents should not introduce
yourself to the children as Champions in their field, as an incomparable
genius. Children need to see and the merits of other people, and
definitely merits closest friends father and mother. Civil authority of
parents get to this height, if it is not the authority upstarts or
bouncer, and the authority member of the team. If you manage to bring up
her son so that he would be proud of a whole plant where dad works, if
it will please the success of this plant, then you raised him right.
But you are not a citizen. You are a father. And parental your case you
have to perform as best as possible, and here is the root of your
authority. And first of all you should know, than there lives, wondered
what likes, what likes, what she wants and does not want your child. You
should know with whom he is friends with who in what games plays,
reads, and perceives as read. When he goes to school, you should know as
it relates to the school and to the teachers, what are his
difficulties, how he behaves in class. This is all you need to know
always, from the very early age of your child. You no need to suddenly
learn about a variety of troubles and conflicts, you have to anticipate
and warn.
All you need to know, but this does not mean that you can chase your
son’s constant and annoying questions, cheap and Intrusive spying. From
the beginning you have to put the case that the children themselves also
told you about his works that they wanted to tell you that they are
interested in your knowledge. Sometimes you have to invite friends of
the son, even to treat them with something, sometimes you have to visit
the family, where have these comrades, you should have first opportunity
to get acquainted with this family.
All this does not require much time for attention to children and to their lives.
And if you have such knowledge and such attention, it will not pass
unnoticed for your children. Kids love this knowledge and respect their
parents for it.
The authority of knowledge will lead to the authority aid. In the
life of every child there are many cases when he doesn’t know what to
do when he needs advice and help. Maybe he asks you for help, because I
don’t know how to do that, you must come with.
Often this assistance can be provided direct to the Council, sometimes
in jest, sometimes in order, sometimes even in the order. If you know
your child’s life, you will see how to proceed in the best way. Often,
this assistance needs to be provided in a special way. Need is either to
take part in the children’s game, or meet comrades of children, or to
visit the school and talk with the teacher. If your family several
children, and this is the happiest case, to the fact such assistance can
be attracted by older brothers and sisters.
Parental assistance should not be Intrusive, annoying, tiresome. In some
cases it is absolutely necessary to provide the child out of the
shitter, he needs to get used to overcome obstacles and resolve more
complex issues. But it is necessary to see how the child performs this
operation cannot be allowed to he lost his way and fell into despair.
Sometimes even necessary that the child saw your alertness, attention
and confidence in his forces.
Authority assistance, careful and attentive management will
happily supplemented by the authority of knowledge. The child will feel
your presence next to him, your reasonable care, your insurance, but at
the same time, he will know that you something require you to and not
going to do everything for him, to take his responsibility.
It is the line of responsibility is the next important line of parental
authority. In any case, the child should not think that your leadership
of the family and they have your pleasure or entertainment. He should
know that you are responsible not only for ourselves but for him to
society. Do not be afraid to openly and firmly say to the son or
daughter that they brought up that they need to have a lot to learn that
they should grow up to be good citizens and good people that parents
are responsible for achieving this goal that they are not afraid of this
responsibility. In this line of responsibility lie the beginning of not
only assistance but also demands. In some cases, this requirement must
be expressed in the most severe form which is not supposing objections.
By the way, I must say that such a requirement only and can be done with
advantage, if the authority is liable has already been created in the
view of the child. Even in the very small age he should feel that his
parents do not live together with him on a desert island. [6 p. 53]
The authority will need. It is necessary to distinguish true authority
from false authority, based on artificial principles and seeking to
create obedience by any means.