Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Another picture

I can't sleep, going back and forth, shaking. Father takes me on
hands. He goes back and forth, singing old student songs. One I remember
especially good, I really liked her and always reassured me. "All
silent, all downcast..." is the beginning of a it was about this. Even today I remember
as sounded in the silence of the night his voice.
 ...I had eczema, as I later learned from his mother. Around vague
hints of a dysfunctional marriage of my parents. My illness in 1878,
obviously, was due to their temporary breakup. The mother then held
a few months in the hospital in Basel and the disease it apparently was
related to family troubles. I was taken to his unmarried aunt, who
was almost twenty years older than mother. I remember I was very concerned
the absence of the mother. Since then, I always  felt distrust when
someone with me said the word "love". The feeling that I
associated with the word "woman" was a natural feeling
insecurity. On the other hand, the word "father" meant and reliability -
weakness. It was a subconscious impulse, from which it all began.
Later, my early impressions corrected: I trusted friends
men and was disappointed, didn't trust women and not be deceived.
 While the mother was not looked after me and our maid. Still
remember how she takes me and puts my head on his shoulder. She had
black hair and dark skin, and she did not look like my mother. I
even now I see the line of her hair, neck and the birthmark on her ear. All this
it seemed to me very strange and yet so familiar. As if she
did not belong to my family, and only me, as if it was connected
somehow with other mysterious things I didn't understand. This
the type of girl later became a part of my spiritual being, my anima. The feeling
the strangeness which radiated from her, and the feeling that I knew her always,
embodied for me then some feminine essence.
 With the times when parents lived separately, I survived another one
image: a young, pretty, very charming girl with blue eyes and
blond hair. Clear bright autumn day she takes me along the Rhine,
below the waterfall, under Golden maple and chestnut trees near the castle Woertz. The sun
shines through the leaves, and lying on the ground yellow leaves. This girl
later became the mother of my wife. She admired my father. The second time
I saw her when I was twenty-one years.

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