In fact, my self-image was ambiguous

The growing fascination with natural science is
made me completely forget about my philosophers. Sometimes I returned
to them. The choice of a profession was frighteningly close. I was looking forward to the end
school. Of course, I will go on University and will study natural Sciences -
I wanted some real knowledge. But as soon as I was inclined to such
the solution, I was assailed by doubts: maybe still makes sense
to access the history and philosophy? In those days I again plunged into all
Egyptian and Babylonian and more than anything wanted to become an archaeologist. But
we had no money, and study anywhere other than Basel I could not. In Basel the same
there was no one to teach me archaeology. So this plan very soon
had to be abandoned. I hesitated too long, and father has already started
to worry. He once said: "the Boy is interested in everything
you can, and don't know what he wants". I had to admit that he was right. Drew
entrance exams, and had to decide what faculty
to do. Without thinking, I announced, "science", preferring
to leave my school fellows in the doubt about my intentions.
 My sudden, at first glance, the solution had its prehistory. For
a few weeks before, just at a time when torn
contradictions that I could not make a choice, I had a dream: I saw myself in
the dark forest near the Rhine. Approaching a small hill (it was
grave mound), I started digging and was amazed to find the remains of some
prehistoric animal. This makes me extremely interested, and then I
it became clear: I must study nature, must study the world in which we
live, and all that we are surrounded by.
 Later he had another dream. I was back in the forest, dissected
the rivers, and in the darkest place in the Bush, saw a big
puddle, and in it a strange creature: a round, multi-colored tentacles,
consisting of countless small cells. It was a giant radiolarian,
about three meters in diameter. And what a magnificent animal this is
all forsaken place in the deep, clear water - it shook me.
 I woke up covered an extraordinary excitement: the two dreams,
eliminating the last doubts, definitely  made me to contact
science.
 These days I suddenly finally realized where and how I will live and
what is this life I have to earn myself. And to achieve your
the goal, I must become someone or something. But all my friends saw it
as something natural, taken for granted. Why I can't
decide finally? Even unbearably boring D., who is our teacher
German extolled as a model of diligence and integrity, even he was
I'm sure that he would study theology. I understood that I should pull myself together
and in last time to think about it. As a zoologist, I could become a school
the teacher or, at best, a Minister of the Zoological garden. Even when
the absence of all ambitions such a prospect was not inspiring. But if
had to choose between school and the zoo, I would choose the latter.
 It seemed another dead end, but it dawned on me, I can learn
medicine. Strange, but earlier it hadn't occurred to me, although my grandfather
my paternal line that I have heard so much, was a physician, too. Looks like
that is why I regarded the medical profession with prejudice: "only not
to imitate," was my motto then. Now I had been telling myself,
that the practice of medicine in any case begin with the natural disciplines, and
this suited me just fine. In addition, medicine itself is so
vast and varied that there is always the possibility to do
any scientific problem. So - science, I told myself. But
there was only one question: how? I had no money to go anywhere
other than Basel, the University and to seriously prepare themselves to scientific
career I could not. At best, I would  Amateur. Besides,
most of my friends and people who know (read: teachers),
I had a bad character, sorry, I didn't know how to be
the location, and I didn't have the slightest hope to find a patron,
that would have been able to maintain my interest in science. In the end,
though not without unpleasant feelings that begin life with compromise, I
settled on medicine. The decision was final and irrevocable, and me
it became much easier.
 But now a sensitive question: where to get money to study? My father
could  to get only a small portion of the necessary funds. But he decided
to get my scholarship, which I, to my great shame, then
received. Least of all I cared about was the fact that our poverty became known
all. I was ashamed because I didn't expect such kindness from "strong world
this", believing in their hostility. It was as if I pulled
benefit from the reputation of my father, who really was simple and good
man. I feel highly from it is great.
In fact, my self-image was  ambiguous: "room 1"
thought I was pretty mediocre and not-very-nice young man with
ambitious claims, undisciplined temperament and dubious
manners: naively enthusiastic, childishly disappointed, but in essence
his - cut off from life ignorant. "Number 2" seen in "room 1" and heavy
ungrateful moral problem, the individual is beset with a host of defects,
as sporadic laziness, apathy, depression, foolish reverence
prior in than saw no point nobody, promiscuity in friendship,
limitations, bias,  stupidity (math!), the failure
to understand and define their relationship with the world. "Room 2" wasn't
by nature, he was sort of a vita peracta (lived life. - lat.),
born, living, dying - all the same, sort of total Outlook
human nature, though rather ruthless, might not be able to and
wants nothing that exists solely in the dark mediation
"number 1". In that moment, when prevailed "room 2", "number 1" were dissolved in
it, and Vice versa, "number 1" considered "number 2" as the dark Kingdom of his
subconscious. "Number 2" myself seemed to be a stone that was once abandoned on the edge
light and silently falling into the abyss of night. But in the light reigned, as in
the spacious halls of the Royal Palace, tall Windows  which is addressed to
the sun-drenched world. Here are the sense and connection, as opposed to
incoherent randomness of life "number 1" which does not come into contact even
so that it directly surrounds. "Room 2", on the other hand, feels
their secret according the ages - the era of the spirit which, Faust,
Goethe pursued. So he too knew about the "room 2", and it served me
consolation. Faust - and I guessed even with some fright meant
more to me than my beloved gospel according to John. In it was the
the life that I sympathized with. And Christ is "John" was alien to me, although not
in as much as a wonderful Healer of the Synopsis. Faust is alive
under the "number 2", I saw it as a response to Goethe on their own
time. And this knowledge of Faust has strengthened my confidence in my own
accessories human society. I felt lonely
crank or an evil cruel joke of nature, because my godfather, and
the bail was Goethe himself.
 It should be noted, however, that my thoughts about Faust and this was limited.
Despite her sympathy for Faust, I took Goethe's  ending, and
his flippant attitude toward Mephistopheles personally touched me, as well as
the vile arrogance of Faust. But the hardest thing I had to come to terms with
the murder of Philemon and Beskidy.