In my a child's imagination

Near the castle of Laufen's mansion was the house of the priest, next stretched
the big meadow, were begun at Church farm caretaker. In the dream I found myself on
this meadow and suddenly saw a dark rectangular, lined inside with stones
pit. I've never seen anything like it. I ran over with curiosity
looked down and saw the stone steps. In fear and trembling I
there went down. At the very bottom, behind the green curtain, is the entrance round
arch. The curtain was big and heavy, manual work similar to brocade and
looked very rich. Curiosity pushed me to know that him: I
pulled back the shower curtain and saw in the dim light a rectangular chamber, in meters
ten long, with a stone vaulted ceiling. The floor was also paved with stone
plates, and in its centre lay a red carpet. There, on the dais, stood
the ornate Golden throne. I'm not sure, but the seat seems to
lay a red pillow. It was truly a majestic throne -
fabulous Royal throne. On it something was that I was initially taken
the trunk of the tree (about 4 - 5 m high and 0.5 m thick). This trunk is reached
almost to the ceiling, and was very reminiscent of the strange mass - alloy and leather naked
meat; all crowned by something like a head without a face and hair on the top of which
located one eye, staring fixedly upwards.
 The room is quite well lit, although there were no Windows, no
another visible light source. From head same semicircle shone bright
glow. What was at the throne did not move, but I have a feeling
it can at any moment to slide down and like a worm, crawl to me. I
froze in horror. At this point, from the outside, from above, he heard the voice of my mother.
She exclaimed, "Look, it's an Ogre!" Her words had only increased my terror, and
I woke up in a sweat, scared to death. After that I for a long time
it was scary to fall asleep, I feared a recurrence of sleep.
 A horrible dream haunted me for many days. Much later I
realized it was the image of the phallus. And went another decade before I
learned that it is a ritual phallus. I never could understand what
then wanted to tell my mother: "it's Ogre" or "just Ogre"? In the first
case, it would imply that not a Jesus or a Jesuit devoured
young children but appeared monster, in the second man - eater was
the symbol, so dark "Her Jesus", the Jesuit and the image of my dream were
identical.
 Abstract phallic meaning is confirmed by the singleness of the subject and
its vertical position on the throne. In the meadow pit is the grave, the very same
the tomb - underground temple whose green curtain symbolized the meadow, other
words, the mystery of earth with her green grass cover. The carpet was
blood red. What to say about the body? Is it possible that I have already visited
Monote, the citadel of Shafhausen? Unlikely - no one will take there
three year old child. So it was hardly a memory. In addition, I
don't know where the anatomical correctness of the image. Interpretation
the upper parts of the eye with a light source indicates the value
the corresponding Greek word "penis" - glowing, bright.
 Anyway, the way sleep seems to have been a useful God, the name
which "remember" should not be, and so remained during the period of my youth,
originating every  time someone empathize talked about the Lord. "Her
Jesus" never became quite real for me, never quite
acceptable, never loved, because again and again I thought about it
underground properties, a frightening discovery which was given to me, though I don't
was looking for it. "Disguised as a" Jesuit cast a shadow on Christian doctrine,
which I was taught. Often she seemed to me a solemn procession of masks
a kind of funeral where people dressed in black give your
persons serious or sad expression, but in the next moment secretly
laugh and don't feel upset. Jesus seemed to me in
some sense the God of death, helpful, it is true, what drove night
fears, but it was the horrible, crucified on the cross bloody
dead. The love and kindness of his of which he spoke, seemed
questionable in the first place because people often talked about
"beloved our Lord, Jesus" wore black clothes and glossy
black boots, reminiscent of the funeral. All of them, as my father, as eight
my uncles - all of them were priests. For many years they me
fear, not to mention appearing sometimes Catholic priests, similar
the terrible Jesuit, stragorodskogo once my father. Until
confirmed, I tried to force myself to relate to Christ
as it should be, but I never managed to overcome his secret distrust.
 Any child experiencing a fear of "black man" was not
the main note in my feeling, more important was the recognition that pierced my
the brain is a Jesuit. Important was the special symbolic situation in my dream,
and his striking interpretation is the Ogre. Not the Ogre of childhood
fairy tales, and true Ogre sitting underground on the Golden throne. In my
a child's imagination on the Golden throne used to sit with kings, but quite far away,
really nice high and dazzling glittering throne, somewhere
the blue sky sat God and Jesus in white robes, crowned with gold
crowns. But the same Jesus was "the Jesuit," in black women's clothing and
a wide black hat. So, no matter how you look, it is there came
danger.
 In the dream I went down into the ground and saw something quite unusual,
something different person and belonging to the underground world, it's still
sat on the Golden throne, looked up and fed human meat.
Fifty years later, I came across a passage from a work on religious
rituals. He referred to the idea of cannibalism that underlies the Eucharist. Only
then it became clear to me, what is grown, how complicated was the idea,
which began to erupt in my mind in those two cases. Who said anything about me?
Whose mind invented this? What higher mind was working? I know that every one that
instinctively departing from the truth in such matters, will rant about
"the black man", "eater", "randomness" and "retrospective
interpret" - to rant, to close something unpleasant
disturbing, something that can disrupt the usual picture of children's ignorance.
Yes, these good-natured, businesslike, sensible people always remind me
those optimistic tadpoles who, on a Sunny day splashing in a puddle,
very small place, gathered together and waving their friendly
tails. They fly around, completely unaware of what the next morning
the puddle will dry up and all ends for them.