having started to study medicine, I'm a materialist.

Looking back, I see how powerfully my childhood experience has influenced
future events, he helped me to adapt to new circumstances
connected with the religious crisis of the father, with the loss of many illusions. This experience
helped me to accept the world as it is and as I know him now, but not
knew yesterday. Although each of us lives his own life, but we are all in
are primarily the representatives, the victims and opponents of
the collective unconscious, whose origins are lost in the depths centuries. Can
whole life thinking that following their own desires, never
realizing that most people are only extras in this world, on this
stage. There are things that, whether we like it or not, know about them or not
know, strongly impact our lives and the stronger, the less we
are aware of.
 So at least part of our being lives in a kind of limitless
time - is the part that I, for myself, was designated as "number 2".
It is not about my personal case, it is inherent in all that is confirmed
the existence of religion, which speaks directly to your inner-man
and for two thousand years seriously trying to bring it to the surface of our
consciousness, proclaiming as its motto: Noli foras ire, in interiore homine
habitat veritas! (He aspire to the outside, the truth within us! - lat.)
 From 1892 to 1894, I took some heavy explanation
father. He studied Oriental languages at göttingen and devoted his
thesis Arabic version of the song of Songs. This "valiant" time is over
together with final examinations, since he gave up Philology. Made
the village priest, father enthusiastically immersed in student
memories and student Smoking a long pipe, with sadness thinking about
that his marriage was not so. as he imagined it to
marriage. He did a lot of good people - too many - and, as a consequence,
became irritable and bilious. Both my parents made great
effort to live a godly life, and in the process increasingly
painful stage. All this contributed to the strengthening of faith.
 The state was the father, caused me anxiety. Mother
avoided everything that could excite, avoiding disputes. But knowing
she's right and that you should try to behave that way, I often couldn
to hold it in. Usually I did not react to the petulant antics of the father,
but when he was in a good mood, I tried to make conversation, hoping
to understand what was happening to him and what he feels about it. It explicitly
something tormented, and I suspect that it has to do with his faith. On
some hints, I concluded that he was overcome by doubt. In my opinion, it
it was inevitable - because the father did not survive the experience, similar to mine. My
unsuccessful attempts to talk to him claimed me in that thought. My
questions the father or gave the same dogmatic answers, or indifferent
shrugged shoulders that completely pissed me off. It was hard to understand,
why he doesn't want  take advantage of the situation and start to fight. My
matters will no doubt upset him, but I still hoped for a constructive
conversation. To imagine that his knowledge about God needs some
the evidence, I could not. In epistemology, I focused well,
realizing that knowledge of this kind cannot be proven, but I was in
equally clearly, in the proof of God's existence no more
needs to prove the beauty of the sunset or mysterious
ability night to Wake up our imagination. I was trying, perhaps awkwardly,
to share with the father of these obvious truths, hoping to help him come to terms
with destiny. But the father had another someone to fight, and he quarreled with
his family and himself. Why he could not take his grievances to God,
this mysterious auctor rerum creatorum (Creator of all. - lat.),
The only one Who really was responsible for all the suffering in the world? Father,
of course, would have an answer - one of those magical, infinitely profound
and can change the destiny of dreams, such as those which are God sent to me
(even though I didn't ask Him). I don't know why, but it's true. God even allowed
I see that was part of His world. And that last one was a mystery,
I dared not or could not access to the father. Maybe I could bring it
to do, whether he is able to discover a direct knowledge of God.
But in our conversations I never talked about  this, with an emphasis on
intellectual, as if purposely avoiding all psychological,
emotional. I was afraid to hurt his feelings. But even such approximation
dangerous to the subject every time he went to the father like a red rag to a bull,
causing irritation, completely incomprehensible for me. It is incomprehensible, how can
a completely rational argument to cause such emotional resistance.
 In the end we were forced to stop these fruitless disputes
selling dissatisfied with each other and themselves.
 Theology has made us strangers. Again fatal defeat, I thought I, with the
only difference is that now does not feel lonely. I was obssessed with
the vague suspicion that the father also defeated his fate. He was lonely. He
no friend with whom he could talk: I at least didn't know
anyone in our circle who the father could seek advice. Once I
heard as the father prays: he struggled for his faith. I was
shocked and outraged at the same time, when I saw how hopelessly he is doomed to
his theology and his Church. And they treacherously abandoned him, had deprived
opportunities to know God. In my childish experience God Himself destroyed in my dream
theology and the Church. But on the other hand, He Himself
made all this, and much more. I began to understand only
now. Because it's funny to think that it is in human power. What is a people? They
born stupid and as blind puppies, as all God's creatures; endowed with scarce
light, not able to disperse the darkness in which they wander. I was convinced,
that no one that I know theologians have not seen with my own eyes the "light that
shines in the darkness", otherwise none of them would be able to teach others my
theology. I had nothing to do with theology, it never said anything
my experience and the knowledge of God. Not relying on knowledge, it required blind faith.
This caused my father enormous stress all its forces and ended
failure. But just the same he was defenceless and before psychiatry. In ridiculous
the materialism of the psychiatrists, as well as in theology, was something that should
was to believe. On my deep belief, and the first and second missing
epistemological criticism and experimental data.
 Father, apparently, was somewhat shocked by the fact that in the study of the brain
psychiatrists was found in the part of the brain, where should be the spirit
only one "matter" and nothing "dunovenie". This has strengthened his apprehensions that
having started to study medicine, I'm a materialist.
 I do all of these things have seen the proof that nothing should
take it on faith, because I already knew: the materialists and the theologians, simply
believe in your own definition. Then it became clear that the father came from
the frying pan into the fire. So highly extolled faith played with it a fatal
a joke, and not only him, but also with the most serious and educated
the people I knew. The original sin of faith is, in my opinion, in
that she anticipates the experience. Where, for example, the theologian knows that
God deliberately arranges some things and others "tolerate", or
how do we know the psychiatrist that matter has  properties human
Ghost? I knew the danger of falling from materialism to me is not threatened, but the father,
obviously, he was convinced of the opposite. It seems that someone told him about
hypnosis, as he then was reading a book about hypnosis Berrima, 3 translated.
Freud. So far I'm anything like him didn't notice, he usually read
only novels and travel notes, considering all the "smart" books reprehensible.
But the appeal to science has not made his father happier, his depression increased, and
bouts of hypochondria began to repeat more often. In recent years he
complained of pain in the  bowel, though the doctor could not find anything
serious. Now he began to speak, feels like "a stone in the stomach".
For a long time we did not realize this, but finally got worried and the doctor.
It was in the late summer of 1895.