I was unaware of the will of God

Church attendance gradually became unbearable for me. There
loudly, and I would even say shamelessly, spoke about God, about His intentions
and actions. There are people loudly urged to feel and to believe in such
secrets that I knew were internal and confidential and which should not
to issue a single word. I could only conclude that nobody, not even the priest,
apparently, not knows the secret, otherwise people would not dare to speak openly about it and
to profane a deep sense of banal sentimentality. Moreover, I was
I am sure that this way to God is wrong, because he knew what he knew
experience that grace descends only on those who irrevocably submits to
His will. The same was said from the pulpit, but words from some random
I Apocalypse. It seemed to me that every  person should daily
to reflect on the meaning of God's will. I didn't do it (my "number 1" was taken
me too much time), but he was sure what he'd do once there
the present need. It seemed to me that religious orders often
superseding God's will, which could manifest so suddenly and
frighteningly, with the sole purpose - to free people from the need for understanding. I
became more and more skeptical, the preaching of my father and other priests
made me feel uncomfortable. The people around seemed to be taken as
this dark tribute to the jargon, mindlessly swallowing all the contradictions, such as:
God is omniscient and therefore foresaw all, He created human beings as sinful, but the
no less than punishing them for their sins eternal damnation and Hellfire.
 For a long time the devil was not present in my thinking. I
considered him something of an evil dog in the yard of the owners. No one except God,
was not responsible for this world, and He, I knew it was not only good, but
and it's scary. I felt somehow uncomfortable when I hear-music
the preaching of the father of the "good" God, about his love for His people and people to Him. "Knows
father, what says?" I thought, being tormented with doubts. "If he can kill
me, my son, bring me a sacrifice, as Abraham, Isaac, or take
cross pain like Jesus? No, he's not capable of it." This means that he
I was unaware of the will of God, sometimes terrible, as we know from the Bible itself.
It became clear to me that the words about obedience to God are spoken thoughtlessly.
Obviously, God's will is ineffable for men, otherwise they'd treat her
reverently from the mere fear of His power, which can be
so terrible - I knew it. Could anyone who claim to knowGod
will, to anticipate what He forced me to make? In the New Testament,
at least, nothing like that. The old Testament and the Book of job would
to open my eyes, but I knew them little, and could not find anything
useful, preparing for confirmation. About fear of God, I certainly heard, but
just as "a relic of Judaism", has long rejected the Christian doctrine of
God's love and kindness.