Tuesday, December 1, 2015

I have the belief that I was instructed to do what God wants

Images of my childhood dreams I was confused. I asked myself: "Who is with me
said? Who is so shameless that puts the phallus in the temple? Who
makes me think of  The God Who destroys His Church so
indecent way?" Is it possible that it was the devil? I had no doubt,
here what God did or the devil. At least, I was completely
I am sure that these thoughts and images do not belong to me.
 Such was the Central experience of my life, and I realized that are
responsibility, what depends on me what happens in the future, my destiny.
I was faced with the problem which could not. Who made me
in front of her? is to ask there was nobody. I was sure of only one thing - I
should find the answer in the depths of his consciousness; I am alone before God;
it was He asking me these horrible questions. From the beginning, I felt my
destiny, as if my life was determined for me by fate and must
to be executed as a task. It gave me an inner confidence. And, although
I've never been able to explain it, my destiny is not confirmed
justice to my convictions. I didn't need to have this confidence,
she owned me, often even in spite of the circumstances. No one could take away
I have the belief that I was instructed to do what God wants, and not
what I want. Often I got the feeling that in any significant
things I'm not among the people, but alone with God. And there I was no longer alone,
and was out of time, and He was always and will always be, in the end
all gave the answer. These conversations with my Other had deep experience:
on the one hand, it was a hard struggle, with the other the greatest pleasure.
 It is clear that I with anybody could not speak. I didn't know anyone,who
you could explain it, except my mother. I thought
she thought like me. However, I soon noticed that she shied away from talking
with me. She admired me and only. So I was left alone with his
thoughts. I will admit, I liked it. I played one and wanted one. I
was my own, but I owned the world.
 Mother I loved immensely. It will come alive heat, it was cozy,
she loved to talk, but she readily listened to any. She,
obviously, there was literary talent, taste and depth. But this quality is not
be able to develop properly, they have remained unclaimed,
hidden behind the inconspicuous appearance full, good-natured, elderly woman. It
loved to entertain guests and well prepared herself, she finally was not
a sense of humor. Her views were quite traditional for a person of her
the situation, however, it is often the unconscious revealed itself, and then
although there are dark and strong with absolute power as if
devoid of a physical body. I thought it consisted of two halves,
one innocuous and human, the other dark and mysterious. This second
revealed itself only occasionally, but each time it was unexpected and scary.
Then she spoke as if to herself, but all she said was into my
soul and I was completely lost.
 First time it happened, I remember, was about six years old and I haven't
went to school. Next door to us lived a very prosperous people. They had
three children - eldest boy, about my age, and two girls
younger. On Sundays, children dressed up, as I thought, very funny -
the shined shoes, starched ruff, and white gloves. The kids ' clothes cleaned
brush and they were carefully combing even on weekdays. They were good
brought up and tried to stay away from me, you rude boy
ragged trousers, ragged shoes and dirty hands. Mother always gave
me comparisons and instructions: "Look at these adorable children, they
so well mannered, so polite, and you're behaving like a street boy,
you're impossible." I felt humiliated and decided to athletici "cute
boy", and performed. His mother was so upset, she ran to my
with shouts and protests. My mother was certainly scared and read me
watered with tears of notation, longer and more passionate than ever
before. I didn't feel any guilt, on the contrary, was quite pleased with himself.
I thought I was in some way punished the stranger for causing
behavior. However, the mother's excitement scared me. Regretting that upset
her, I ran to my table for the clavichord and began playing with blocks.
Some time the room was quiet. Mother, as usual, was sitting by the window and
knitting. Then I heard her indistinctly mumbling something, and out of her
sketchy I understood, what she thinks about incident, but looks at it already
the eyes of others. Suddenly she said, "But you can't just to exhibit, in
the end!" I guessed that she was talking about those dressed "monkeys".
Her favorite brother was a hunter, he kept the dogs and talked about puppies,
the half-breeds, litter, etc. With relief I realized that the mother believes these
terrible children "mongrel" and that the reprimand should not be taken seriously.
But even then I knew I had to remain perfectly quiet, not
to show his triumph and say, "see, you think so!"
She'd come in  indignation: "Terrible boy, how dare you say
this about my mother!" Hence we may conclude that something similar happened
before, I just don't remember.

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