I went to school to learn something new

I like thunder struck. This was the first collision with reality.
"Well, then, I have to work!" I thought. And from that moment I
became a serious child. I quietly crawled away and went to his father's
the Cabinet, where he retrieved his Latin grammar, and began studiously cramming.
Ten minutes later happened to me the strongest of my fainting. I just
not fell off the chair, but after a few minutes felt better and
he continued to work. "Damn it, I'm not going to swoon," he said
myself. This time it took fifteen minutes before the beginning of the second
attack. It was similar to the first. "And now you'll be back to work!" -
ordered myself, and within an hour experienced a third attack. However, I don't
gave up and worked another hour, until I felt that I won.
Now I feel better and the seizures did not recur. I
daily sat at the grammar and a few weeks later went back to school.
Dizziness stopped. It was gone forever! But this
I learned what a neurosis.
 Gradually I remembered where it all began, and came to realize that
the cause of all this trouble was myself. So I never
anger had pushed me to the student, realizing that he "intended"
was to do this, and that everything was "choreographed" by me - from start to
the end. I knew that it won't happen again. I hated myself, and yet -
he was ashamed of. I punished himself and looked like a fool in his own eyes. No one
except I was not to blame. I was cursed! Since that time, I started to madly
annoying parental caring and compassionate tone when talking
came about me.
 Neurosis was another of my secret, secret and shameful. It was
defeat. At the same time revealed in me an extreme sensitivity and extraordinary
diligence. And honesty is my  was not only flashy, me
it was necessary to make sure that I was to be honest
to yourself. I regularly got up at five in the morning to work out, and
sometimes he worked from three until seven before going back to school.
 That I was broken and, in fact, led to the crisis, is the desire
of solitude, the delight of feeling that I'm alone. Nature seemed to me
full of wonders, and I was drawn to it. Each stone, each plant, each
the thing seemed alive and wonderful. I went into nature, it
grounds - further and further away from humanworld.

 Approximately at the same time with me there was another important event. I
went to school from Klein-Huningen, where we lived, to Basel, when suddenly at some
the moment I felt the feeling like I just got out of the thick clouds and
now finally became myself! Like a wall of fog left behind my
back, and there, behind this wall didn't exist "I". Now I
know that it's there. Before that I existed, but all that has happened,
happened to the "I". Before me did something, now I did
something. The experience was very important and new: I had no power. No matter how
strangely, at this moment, as in those months that lasted my unconscious neurosis, I
never remembered his treasure in the attic. Otherwise I might have noticed
the analogy between the sense of power and sense of possession of the treasure. But this
not achieved, all thoughts of the man in the pencil case disappeared.
 It seems I received an invitation to spend the holidays on
Vervaldatum the lake, at the home of our friend. The house stood near the
the lake was near a boat dock and  rowing boat. The owner's son and me
allowed to use it, strictly warning us to be careful. To
unfortunately, I already knew that to rule Willingham (boat type of gondola)
need standing. At home we had a little punt, and in old ditch we
tried different things. So the first thing I did was aft in
the entire growth of the oar pushed the boat off. For a cautious owner it was
too, he is a whistle called us to himself and me scolded. I was
extremely disappointed, recognizing that I did exactly what I asked not
to do so, deserved the reprimand. However, I had a fit: how
this thick, ignorant and rude person dared to insult me.My
"I" felt like an adult, self
dignity, a man respected and respectable. But the contrast with reality was
so obvious that at some point I stopped myself: "who are you,
actually, like this? Act as if you are God knows what kind of person! And because
you know that he's absolutely right. You're barely twelve, you're in high school, and
he is the father of the family, rich, powerful man, he has two houses and lots
great horses".
 My head was a mess: in me how could meet two people: one -
student who does not have time for mathematics and not confident
the second important person - the person, which cannot be neglected, as
respected and influential, as the owner of the house. This "second" was an old
man, he lived in the eighteenth century, wore shoes with buckles and white
wig, rode in a hired carriage with high wheels, equipped on goats
springs with leather straps.
 In the eighteenth century, I later visited due to the unusual occasion.
Once past our house in Klein-Huningen drove an ancient green carriage
from the black forest. She looked as if actually rolled outpast.
Seeing her, I thought, this is exactly what you need! This is from "my" time. I
if he knew her - well, exactly the same as those on which I went. Then
there was santiment ecoeurant (disgusting feeling. - FR.),
it's like someone stole it from me, cheated - took a favorite past. Coach
remained from those times! Can't describe what happened to me or what
me so much excited: longing, nostalgia or a sense of recognition: "so
and it was! That's right!"
 Then occurred another event, again uvodivshey me in my
of the eighteenth century. In the house of one of my aunts I found the old
figurine: two terracotta figures - old Dr. Stuckelberger (personality,
well known in Basel in the late eighteenth century) and his patient - with
protruding tongue and closed  eyes. The legend is as follows: one day old
Stuckelberger walked across the bridge, when he jumped this pretty boring
the doctor lady and began excitedly to air their grievances. The old man said, "Yes, Yes,
really something not so. Stick out the tongue and close your eyes", after
which quickly disappeared. Annoying lady and remained standing with his tongue hanging out
- all to ridicule. Now, the old doctor had shoes with buckles,
I strangely recognized for being certain that
these are the shoes I wore. I even stated this, than put all in
confusion. For some reason I remembered these shoes on your feet and could not
to explain, where did this crazy belief. How do I
he found himself in the eighteenth century? By the way in those days, I often confused the date, wrote:
1786 instead of 1886, and each time with a sense of unexplainable nostalgia.
 After the incident with the boat and followed him to a well-deserved
punishment I began to ponder these odd impressions, and they contacted
together: I have two selves, two different people living in different times. I
Mary confused, my brain could not cope with this. Finally I
came to the sad conclusion that I now still only a Junior
student who deserve punishment, and should behave accordingly
age. The other one, it seems, is utter nonsense. I suspected it
something to do with the different stories told by parents and
relatives about my grandfather. But it was not so, because the grandfather was born
in 1795, and thus he lived in the nineteenth century; moreover, he died long
before I was born. Impossible to I was identical to him. These are my guesses
were indistinct and seemed like dreams. Can't remember  did
I then about my legendary kinship with Goethe. I think not, because
I first heard this story from strangers. The essence of these unpleasant for
me the rumor was that my grandfather was native son Goethe.
 Two of my fiasco - mathematics and drawing were added the third:
the beginning I hated physical education. I couldn't stand when I was taught how
I should move. I went to school to learn something new, and not
in order to fulfill useless and meaningless acrobatic
exercises. Moreover, after accidents in  early childhood I
there is certain physical timidity, which I could not overcome. In
it was the basis of my distrust of the world and to its own forces. World
of course, seemed to me beautiful, but incomprehensible and
threatening. I always wanted to know what and who I trusted.
Perhaps it had something to do with the mother that once left me
for a few months? Then - and I will describe this later - I started
neurotic fainting, and the doctor, to my great pleasure, forbade me
gymnastics. I got rid of from this burden, but had
to swallow another failure.
 Free time was spent not only on the game, I had the time
for new passion: I read any gets in my eyes a piece of printed
text.