My entire youth can be understood only in the light of this mystery

One of the summer days of the same from 1887, I left school and went
on the Cathedral square. The sky was amazing, and all around was flooded with bright
sunlight. The roof of the Cathedral, covered in a fresh glaze,
blazed. This sight has fascinated me, and I thought, "the World is beautiful
the Church is beautiful, and the God who created it all, sitting so far
the blue sky on a Golden throne and..." Here are my thoughts broke, and came near
suffocation. I froze and remembered only one thing: not to think! Coming
something terrible, something I don't want to think that I didn't dare to approach. But
why? Because commit the worst sin. What is the worst
sin? Murder? No, can't be. The biggest sin is the sin against
The Holy spirit, and there is no forgiveness. Whoever will make it, cursed forever.
It really upset my parents: their only son, to which they
bound, doomed to eternal damnation. I can't let that
happened to my parents. All I need - don't think
about it.
 But to say easy, but how to do? All the way home I tried to think about the most
different things, but found that my thoughts keep going back to
beautiful Cathedral which I loved so much, and to God sitting on
throne - then it all stopped, as if from electric shock. I repeat myself:
"Just not to think about it. Only not to think about it!" I came home in
troubled condition. The mother, noticing my confusion, he asked: "what's the matter?
Something happened at school?" I lied to her, saying that the school was in
okay. I even thought, maybe I should tell my mom to true
the cause of his turmoil. But to do that I would have to do the impossible:
to think out his idea to the end. Poor mother didn't know, she's not
could know that I was in deadly proximity of sin, which is not
saying goodbye that I could go to hell. I decided not to confess and tried
to attract as little attention as possible.
 That night I slept poorly. Again and again the unknown and the forbidden thought
broke into my consciousness, and I tried desperately to drive it away. The following two
days were pure torture, and the mother was finally convinced that I'm sick. But I
as could, resisted the temptation to confess all, knowing that recognition
will make my parents suffer so much.
 But on the third night flour became unbearable. I woke up just in
the moment when I caught myself thinking about God and the Cathedral. I
almost continued this idea! I felt I was no longer in power
to resist. Being covered in sweat from fear, I sat up in bed to
finally Wake up. "Here it is, now this is serious! I have to think.It
must be invented before... But why do I have to think about what
I do not know! I don't want this, I swear to God, I don't want! But some people need it?
Someone wants to force me to think about what I don't know and don't want to know. I
subordinated to some terrible Will. And why was I chosen? I invented
praise the Creator of this beautiful world, was grateful to Him for this with nothing
the comparable gift, but why should I think of something inconceivably cruel? I
don't know what it is, don't really know because I can't and should not
to come any close to this thought,  otherwise I run the risk of suddenly
to think about it. I didn't do it and not like it came as a bad dream.
Where are such things? What happened to me is not in my power.
Why? In the end, I didn't create myself, I came into this world at will
God, there was born to her parents. Or maybe wanted
my parents? But my good parents would never have thought anything
like. It's too cruel!"
 Last thought even struck me as funny. I remembered grandpa and
my grandmother, whom he knew only by portraits. They looked so good-natured
- I could not imagine that they  guilty of something. Then I looked at
the sight of a long line of his unknown ancestors, and finally got to Adam and
Eve. And then it dawned on me: Adam and eve were the first humans, they had no
parents, they were created by God Himself, and He deliberately made them like that,
what they have become. They had no other choice but to be
what created their God. They never knew that you can be someone
other. They were perfect, because God creates only perfection, and yet they
have sinned. How is that possible? They wouldn't be able to do this if
God did not create for them the opportunity. It is obvious that God and the serpent were created in
temptation to them. God in His omniscience had arranged everything so that the first parents
have sinned. Now, that God wanted them to have sinned.
 With my soul like a stone dropped, now I knew what is happening with me
now happens according to God's will. But do I have to commit their sin?
Is this intended or not? I never thought of
pray for enlightenment, because God Himself gave me this hopeless
the situation, I'm not free to leave and you can't count on His help. I was
I am sure that, in His opinion, I myself should find a way out. And I kept
her reflections.
 What does He want? So I acted, or Vice versa? I have to find out
what God requires of me, and have figure it out now. Of course, I
understand that from the point of view of conventional morality to avoid sin. To
now I could, but now became aware that we no longer
I can. My mental disorder, I just knew, trying not to think,
I get confused more and more. So could not continue. But I can't
to resist the temptation before understand what is the will of God, which He
seeking from me. After all, I wasn't even sure what He put me
before this desperate problem. It is noteworthy that I never
had thought about the devil. The devil played such a minor role in my
then the spiritual world, that in any case he was powerless
in comparison with God. But from the moment my new "me" emerged as if from
misty haze and I began to realize myself, the idea of unity and
the superhuman greatness of God caught my imagination. I didn't ask
himself as to whether God has presented me a crucial test, all
depended only on whether I'd understand It. I knew that in the end
I will be forced to obey, but was afraid of her misunderstanding, it was put under
risk the salvation of my eternal soul.
 "God knows that I am no longer able to resist, and He doesn't want
to help me, although to a mortal sin leave me one step. In his
the omniscience He easily would eliminate the temptation, however don't do this.
Do I think that He wants to test my obedience, putting me
before the unfathomable task: to oppose their own morality, against
faith, and even against His own commandments, which I have resisted all
forces, because they fear eternal damnation? Is it possible that God wanted
to see if I  to obey His will even when my faith and
my mind is rebelling at the thought of eternal damnation? It seems that it is! But,
maybe this is just my guess and I could be wrong. I don't dare to
the extent to trust my own logic. I need to think things through
again."
 But I Nenova again returned to one and the same: God wants me to
showed courage. If so, I'll do it, then He will have mercy on me and
enlighten.
 I gathered my courage, as if suddenly resolved immediately
jump into hell-fire, and give ideas the opportunity  to appear. Before my
eye, there was the Cathedral and the blue sky. High above the world, at its
the gold throne sits God and from under the throne on the shining new roof of the Cathedral
drops a piece of feces and punches her. Everything is falling apart, the walls of the Cathedral on break
pieces.
 Here's the thing! I felt inexpressible relief. Instead
the expected curse I'm blessed with grace, and with it untold
bliss, whom I never knew. I cried with happiness and gratitude.
The wisdom and kindness of God revealed to me now, when I obeyed His
inexorable will. It seemed what I have experienced enlightenment, and understood much, what is not
understand before, I understand something I never understood my father, is the will of God. It
resisted in good faith, of deep faith. So my father
never experienced a miracle of grace, the miracle that heals all and
makes everything understandable. He took the biblical commandment as a guide, it
believed in God as the Bible prescribed and as he was taught by his father. But he didn't know
the living God who stands, omnipotent and free, above the Bible and
over the Church, which encourages people to become as free. God, for
His will, can force the father to abandon all our views and
beliefs. Testing human courage, God makes you refuse
traditions, no matter how sacred they may be. In his omnipotence He
will see to it that these tests did not cause this evil. If the person
doing the will of God, he can be sure he chose the right path.
 God created Adam and eve so that they were thinking about what they themselves did
did not want. He did so, to find out whether they are obedient. And accurately
so He could ask me something, for me, traditionallyunacceptable.
It is obedience gave grace, and after this experience I knew that
the grace of God. You have to submit completely to God, without a care
anything except carry out His will. Otherwise nothing makes any sense. It
then I had a real sense of responsibility. The idea that I
have to think about the reasons for the desecration of God to his Cathedral, was terrible. And
but it is yet unclear understanding of what God is able to be something
terrible. It was a terrible secret, and the feeling that I own it, cast a shadow
in all my life.
 This experience also made me feel my inferiority. "I -
a devil or a pig, - thought I, - looks like I have some kind of
the wormhole". But then, rereading his father's New Testament and with some
pleased to find there the parable of the Pharisee and the publican, I realized that only
the convicts will be elected. The new Testament has forever left me in the belief that
the unjust steward was praise and that Peter is hesitant - he named
stone.
 The stronger was my sense of inferiority, especially
seemed to me unfathomable divine grace. In the end the feeling
insecurity became permanent. When my mother once said, "You
always was a good boy", I just never been able to understand it. I
good boy? It's incredible! I've always thought of herself as being perverse and
defective.
 Along with the thought of the Cathedral I finally  there was something real,
which was part of my mystery, though I was always told about the stones
falling from the sky, and now hold in my hand one of them. But actually it was
experience, of which I was ashamed. If I was awarded something shameful, something
sinister, - and at the same time it was a mark of distinction. From time to time I
have a strong temptation to speak of it, but not right, somehow
to hint, say, I had an interesting thing... I just
wanted to find out whether anything like this with other people. For me
failed to notice anything similar. In the end I had
the feeling that I'm not exactly rejected, not chosen, not cursed, not
blessed.
 It never occurred to me to directly tell anyone
my dream of the phallus, or carved from wood man. I was silent about it,
until I was sixty-five. About other experiences I may be,
talked to the wife, but already in adulthood. For years the child remained for
a taboo area me, and I haven't had a chance to share their
experiences.
 My entire youth can be understood only in the light of this mystery. Because of her I was
unbearably lonely. My only significant achievement (as I am now
understand) was the fact that I have resisted the temptation to talk about it with
someone. Thus, my relationship with the world were predestinated:
today I'm lonely as ever, because I know things that nobody knows
and doesn't want to know.